Koyaanisqaatsi

Life is feeling out of balance at the moment.

On the work side of things, I am caught in my usual struggle between a desire for routine and a loathing of it.  I crave the stimulation of conferences and the short term satisfaction of completing a conference presentation creditably.  But the regular writing routine seems a little dull when compared to talking with actual people.  Still, this conference was so close to my own area of expertise that it has clarified things for me and also inspired my dissertation work directly in a way that conferences usually don’t.  Usually one of the things I’m reacting to when I return is several days worth of time spent in someone else’s field.  This time that aspect is a little different.

But I’m back in the coffee shop typing today.  I’m trying to break what is left into small tasks, things that I can check off so I can tell when I’m making progress.  So at least I’m trying there.

Yoga is helping.  A couple of weeks off seem to have done me good. I came back worried I’d be out of practice, but I think a break has helped me make progress, or at least has helped me recognize that I am making progress.

At home, things are harder.  For the past several weeks – since Christmas, really – AJ has been very difficult: very unhappy, very argumentative, sometimes angry a lot of the time.  I’m not sure what’s going on with him.  I suspect it is mostly due to his conflicting desires to be grown up and in charge and also taken care of.  The result is that he argues with just about anything we say to him, no matter how trivial.  He bursts into tears when he doesn’t get what he wants right when he wants it.  He is generally acting so utterly unlike the AJ we’ve come to know, that Mr. Spy and I find ourselves getting intensely frustrated.  Saturday there was such a blowout, that I actually left the house and drove around for a while to cool my head.  Mr. Spy has had similar moments as well.  Anything can be an ignition point:  homework to do, friends not home to play, time to put away computer games, time to do chores, time to eat dinner.  The poor behavior makes me angry at him, but his obvious unhappiness makes my heart melt.  He is, I think, wrestling with some pretty major demons and he doesn’t seem to be able to articulate exactly what they are. 

The biggest challenge for me has been not to let him push my buttons.  I have little patience with anyone who prefers complaining over taking action.  You’re unhappy?  Find something that makes you happy and do it.  You’re bored?  Find something to do.  Take responsibility for yourself.  When AJ gets in these moods, he doesn’t want to do anything.  He wants to be taken care of.  But his moods make me want to push him out of the nest.  So naturally, we’ve been getting on each others’ nerves.

Strangely, the one area where my balance has improved is yoga.  Of the three major physical skills that yoga requires – strength, flexibility and balance – balance has always been my area of greatest weakness, hands down, especially poses that require balancing on one foot.  But for some reason, since I returned to the yoga mat last week, after my two-week hiatus, balance is no longer hard.  This morning I stretched into bound half moon pose without a hitch, feeling the satisfaction of the rightness of the stretch that I used to get as a child in ballet school, the kinesthetic knowledge of the correctness of it.  I don’t need to look.  I don’t need someone to tell me.  I just know when I’m where I’m supposed to be.  It’s a sense that only practice and repetition and a sort of relaxed attention can give.

This morning as I meditated at the end of class, I found my mind drifting to the issue of balance.  I know when my work feels balanced.  I know when my yoga practice feels balanced.  But how do I know when AJ and I are balanced?  When I’m in the right place, doing the right thing, pushing and pulling and relaxing and letting go in the right ways?