American Idle

Yesterday afternoon was the dress rehearsal for AJ’s school’s annual talent show. The show was performed for the whole school this morning, but the parents were discouraged from attending because the whole school would be squishing into the gym. So Mr. Spy and I went to watch yesterday. Mr. Spy intelligently left after AJ’s piece, which was third. I, however, stayed until the bitter end. And I’m telling you, they couldn’t write entertainment like this.

This is the first year AJ has wanted to participate and thus the first year I’ve gotten to witness the event. From a musicological standpoint alone it was fascinating.

“Hoedown Throwdown” by Miley Cyrus (as Hannah Montana)
This was performed as a dance by three second grade girls with bandannas tied around their ankles. I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be allowed in the city. Only one of them seemed to know the choreography well and the other two spent a lot of time looking at her. They were cute, but this song went on forever.

“Love Story” by Taylor Swift (two times)
The second most painful song on the program, it was performed by two different pairs of girls, both of which sang along with the Taylor Swift CD. Even miked, they were barely audible, which was probably just as well. But they were cute and they all looked like they LOOOOVED this song, which was worth watching in and of itself.

“Jailhouse Rock” by, who else, Elvis Presley
This one featured some decent tumbling by a couple of 2nd grade gymnasts. One of them was in AJ’s class in kindergarten and her mom is a gymnastics instructor, so I’m sure they had good coaching.

“Mannequin” by Katy Perry
Is this song really appropriate for 8-year-olds? Somebody thought so. More amorphous singing and dancing.

“All American Girl” by Carrie Underwood (two times).
Oh, God. Please shoot me now. I’ve got this awful song stuck in my head. Again, the two different groups who performed this song (singing along to the CD — one a pair, one a solo) both seemed to LOVE it. But the thing that was going through my head the whole time was, don’t these young girls have better examples of how to grow up than songs about girls getting married and getting pregnant? Aren’t there any songs about becoming engineers? Or doctors? Or even ballerinas? No? So glad I have a boy.

“Do You Believe in Magic?” by The Lovin’ Spoonful (via the soundtrack to the Parent Trap)
This was cute. Singing and dancing by four third graders in matching tie-dyed T-shirts and plastic top hats. Their singing was inaudible and the dancing seemed to consist of one move — taking off their top hats and bowing every time they sang the word “magic.” But they were so clearly having a good time, that they sold it.

“The Popcorn Song” by Hot Butter
AJ loved this song and has been singing it around the house. His friend N. did some kind of amorphous breakdancing-tumbling-writhing on the floor hybrid. And everyone cheered. Loudly.

“Just Dance” by Lady Gaga
A fourth grade competitive gymnast performed a short tumbling routine to this one.

“Best of Both Worlds” by Miley Cyrus (as Hannah Montana)
More out of tune singing.

“Let it Go” by Tiffany Thornton
More dancing. Can you tell I’d stopped paying much attention by this point?

“Too Cool” by Camp Rock
This singing was mostly in tune and audible, but the song was way too long and repetitive.

“Move it Like This” by Baha Men
More dancing. I think.

“Dirty Little Secret” by Kelly Clarkson
Another questionable choice for the elementary school set, this one was sung by AJ’s piano buddy, dressed in a vest, tie and fedora and shuffling his feet to the groove. The audience was dumbfounded.

“Footloose” by Kenny Loggins
Two fourth grade girls jumping around in straw cowboy hats and pigtails. They got bonus points for not playing the entire song.

“Apologize” by OneRepublic and Timbaland
This was one girl singing with excruciatingly inaccurate pitch belted out in a breathy voice, if that’s possible.

“Floorfiller” by A*Teens
Another spaceout from me while I chatted with the woman next to me in lieu of gouging out my eardrums.

“The Climb” by Miley Cyrus
This was a solo dance by a girl in a flowered twirly dress and pink ballet shoes that was a cross between mime and a little girl spinning around in circles in the kitchen. And it was totally charming because she was so into it. So was her little sister, who got up from her mom’s lap and started twirling in the aisle and making faces at her big sister, who smiled back at her.

“It’s Like That” by Run D.M.C.
Two white fourth grade girls in Run DMC t-shirts and hats (backwards of course). They danced around flashing gang signals in a display that would have been tossed out of school if this school were in the city, but caused no one to bat an eyelash out here in suburbia.

“When You Believe” by Mariah Carey
A fourth grader stood up in a black dress and sang her heart out–no choreography, nothing but the song. She had a gorgeous voice and good pitch. Some lessons later in life to teach her how to support her sound and she will kick some major ass.

“A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” from Cinderella
Oh. My. God. Think a slightly taller Jon-Benet Ramsay in a Cinderella costume (complete with jeweled earrings and tiara and elbow-length gloves). She minced up the stage to the mike and said, “Hello! My name is Cindy Lu Who and I’ll be singing “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes. And my dream for you is for you all to have a wonderful summer.” Treacle dripped out of her every pore. The woman behind said, “I think I’m going to need an extra drink for this one.” Her music came on and she began singing a fully choreographed routine, eating up the mike and taking up the entire stage. Our only explanation was that she was practicing for a beauty pageant.

In addition to this, of course, were piano solos by AJ and also by his friend K. There were two girls introduced as a comedy sketch, which was both inaudible and incomprehensible, so it was processed as interpretive dance. There was a stone-faced violinist who stumbled through a Suzuki book 2 piece. AJ’s friend P stole the show with some classical Hindu dancing in a gorgeous costume. And the two kids who struggled with the Bill Cosby routine at rehearsal had rewritten it substituting their principal’s name for God’s and changing Noah to a student. The boy who got up to play one phrase of “Smoke on the Water” on a little guitar figured out how to play it up an octave and also down an octave before coming back to the original, thus quadrupling the length of his performance.

All in all, the performance, including the student MCs who introduced each act, took about an hour and a half. And that was about 45 minutes too long. But still, it was kind of inspiring to see kid after kid get up there in front of everybody and do their thing. Even the kids who didn’t know what they were doing were fun to watch because they were performing for the best reason of all, because they loved that song, that dance, loved backflipping, loved whatever it was and wanted to share it with the world. Except for Jon Benet. I think she just loved the attention, which was interesting. Because although she was one of the best performers, she was also one of the least interesting. Too cold and calculated and a little bit creepy.

And now, without further ado, I present to you AJ Spy’s Talent Show debut. Please note that his skill after 3 months of lessons is so great that he is able to start sprinting for the exit WHILE STILL PLAYING THE FINAL NOTE. I’d better not tell him about the Farewell Symphony.