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Are you a 12-year-old boy?

January 31, 2014

Hello, Internet! I’m sorry I keep disappearing. Life is intervening.

Last weekend, I went down to the City of Brotherly Love where I saw more librarians in one place than I thought possible. Also, there was a lot of swag. I came home with many books, mostly galleys and some very heavy luggage. I took the train down by myself in a car that was neatly divided between hockey fans and librarians, which was an occasionally entertaining combination. Mr. Spy and AJ came down later after his basketball game and we wandered the city in the cold, occasionally humming the theme from Rocky. AJ wis in extra surly mode, which happens a lot lately, unfortunately. And it is that experience that inspired today’s post. Ladies and gentlemen, a quiz:

Are you a 12-year-old boy?

1. It is time to get ready for your day. What do you do?

a. Wash your face, brush your teeth, get dressed in the clothes you laid out the night before and make sure your shoes are tied. It’s important to look neat and be on time.

b. Pull your pants out of the hamper, your shirt from under your bed, and why bother changing your underwear? Admire your reflection in the mirror. Splash water on your face, stick your toothbrush under the faucet. If you’re feeling fancy, may I recommend a handful of hair gel? You look awesome! If only you knew where your shoes were.

c. Sleep through your alarm. When your mother comes in to wake you up, grunt and roll over. When she comes in again, say something unintelligible. The third time, take offense because there is no reason she should be yelling at you. Why would you be late? You’re sure you can get dressed for school and run four blocks in five minutes.

2. You have an essay due in two days. What do you do?

a. Get to work! You need to write an outline and assemble all your sources, and write a rough draft. Besides, essays are fun!

b. Play video games. You’ve got plenty of time to do it tomorrow.

c. Play video games. You’ve got it all in your head. And it’s brilliant!

3. Your dad asks you to clean your room. What do you do?

a. Dump out the contents of your sock drawer and start organizing by color. You love being organized.

b. Shut your door, turn on some music and, hey look! You found a magazine you forgot you had. That looks interesting…

c. Stomp off to your bedroom muttering under your breath and slam the door.

4. Your mother tells you it’s time to take a shower. What do you do?

a. Say, “Okay, Mom,” and take a shower. It feels good to be clean!

b. Say, “Okay, Mom,” and enter the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the water and read something until it gets too steamy to read the book. Run your head under the faucet, give a half-baked wipe at your hair with your towel, leave the towel on the floor.

c. Stomp off to your bedroom muttering under your breath and slam the door.

5. It is time for bed. What do you do?

a. Put on your pajamas (they are neatly folded under your pillow) and climb into bed. You need your beauty sleep!

b. Stash your cell phone under the mattress for late night texting with your friends. But not until after your mom reads you a bedtime story.

c. Bedtime is for losers.

How did you do?

• If you answered mostly Cs, you are a teenager. Be nicer to your parents. You’ll be leaving home soon and when you do, you’ll realize how many nice things they did for you. Also, they could change the locks and turn your room into a meditation space.

• If you answered mostly As, you are a grownup. What are you doing taking this quiz? Get back to work!

• If you answered mostly Bs, congratulations! You are a 12-year-old boy! Roll your eyes at your mom and get back to your video games. Life is good.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. eleanorio permalink
    January 31, 2014 9:37 pm

    All of this is vaguely familiar. But I was the worst mother ever. My kids didn’t have video games. I did not allow or supply them. They must still hate me for it.

  2. January 31, 2014 9:39 pm

    I wish we had done that! But we relented because he can play over the internet with his buddies in Illinois.

  3. February 1, 2014 7:31 am

    In seven or eight years (assuming he survives and you guys don’t kill him before then ;) ), you will get amazingly smarter. At least that’s what happened with my own two sons. Although they did get into a kick of taking multiple showers every day. Maybe a girl told them they were stinky (they were), so they decided to stay clean. Used up all our hot water all the time and the water bill was high too but boy they sparkled.

  4. eleanorio permalink
    February 1, 2014 3:32 pm

    Yes, we would have, too, in such circumstances.

  5. February 1, 2014 3:54 pm

    If you’re just noticing that AJ answers B most of the time, you’re in trouble. His C answers are just around the corner. I am sailing through with Pook, but Bug… not so easy. And he’s got a few til 12 still.

  6. February 2, 2014 3:25 pm

    I was thinking, as EDj3 says, that it takes until the 12-year-old gets interested in girls/guys/whoever before he can be relied on to take showers.

  7. magpiemusing permalink
    February 13, 2014 11:03 pm

    ha ha ha ha ha! this made me laugh. i see many of these, um, issues in my household.

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