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Almost there

August 10, 2012

The packing has begun. Our dining room table is covered with books waiting to be hauled to the library to donate. A huge black garbage bag full of clothes and shoes awaits a trip to the charity shop. A box of winter clothes is waiting for tape.

And we’re waiting too. We’re waiting for a destination for this move. We had hoped we found an apartment on our trip this week, but it is apparently not to be. So now I find I have to fly back out again on Tuesday, which I am not looking forward to, in order to find us somewhere to live. We are moving out in three weeks and are getting very nervous. School starts here a week from Monday. Where is AJ going to school this year? We don’t know.

But packing is calming. It needs to be done and it gives you a feeling of accomplishment. It is also satisfying to get rid of things, which means we should be very, very satisfied at the end of this process, because we are getting rid of a lot of things.

I need a lot of calming. I am very distracted. I am not great at my job at the moment, because I can’t rid myself of this debilitating anxiety. I wrote a note to my boss today to fill her in on the details of our move. “I’m trying to keep on top of everything, but I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t affecting my work.” She wrote back saying she knows something like this is bound to affect me on many levels. “Please don’t burn yourself out and please know that we are all here to help cover what you can’t. It will be nice to have you hear full time.” And just like that, one worry was gone. Unfortunately, there are many more bustling through the door.

At least there are a couple of things to look forward to this weekend. One is dinner tomorrow with fairlywell and DJ and Baby H. Sunday afternoon is the culmination of AJ’s summer at School of Rock. His band is playing at a local tavern. They’ll be playing Neil Young’s “Rocking in the Free World” and Cream’s “Sunshine of Your Love,” with AJ playing the part of Clapton. We are nervous for him and are considering bringing cigarette lighters and shouting “Free Bird!” between songs.

The weather took a turn for the autumnal today and it’s hard to believe that we won’t be here. Fall has always been my favorite season here (or anywhere, for that matter, but it’s especially nice here). I am always bringing things home: shiny brown chestnuts, yellow and orange maple leaves, Osage oranges. I’m not sure I’ll be collecting the detritis of fall in New York. It’s one of the many things that is making me sad right now.

I wake up every morning at 3 a.m. with my heart racing and a feeling of dread. After lying awake for three hours, counting my way through any number of times tables, it seems a little less terrible. But it is still pretty terrible. Moving is terrible. Moving to less pleasant living conditions is extra terrible.

We are trying to remember the good things. We are healthy and together. We are going to be debt free. We are having an adventure. But we are not feeling very adventurous at the moment. We are starting to loose our nerve

4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 11, 2012 2:45 am

    Since I canna compare your current situation to giving birth (i.e. once things start rolling you can’t exactly decide to go back) I will use a perhaps slightly more apt correlation to having already left the Tarmac, the wheels are up and you are hitting those 10,000 feet/about ten minutes up bumps that happens on nearly every flight. Worry or don’t worry: either way it isn’t going to affect the outcome of a perfectly safe landing on the journey to where you are all supposed to be.

    Failing that, it’s time for a G&T — which won’t necessarily help, but it sure as hell can’t hurt.

    Hang in there.


  2. eleanorio permalink
    August 11, 2012 7:46 am

    Yes, hang in there. I dread moving from here, while at the same time welcoming the opportunity to purge as you are doing. Things will somehow work out for you. Times tables, eh? I’ll try that.

  3. August 11, 2012 11:58 am

    I could simply say, glad it is you and not me, but I suppose that doesn’t help now, does it. 😉 I always tell myself to wait a year before judging a new situation. It takes me a long time to adjust to change, and I can’t tell how bad things are (or how good they are) while I’m in the muck. Lots of us are sending virtual hugs and good luck.

  4. freshhell permalink
    August 11, 2012 4:54 pm

    Something will come along. Some just-right place will surface. Or….perhaps it’s the almost-right-but-can’t -be-choosy place will allow you to move forward. After that, you’ll have some breathing room to find a more ideal living space.

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