The packing has begun. Our dining room table is covered with books waiting to be hauled to the library to donate. A huge black garbage bag full of clothes and shoes awaits a trip to the charity shop. A box of winter clothes is waiting for tape.
And we’re waiting too. We’re waiting for a destination for this move. We had hoped we found an apartment on our trip this week, but it is apparently not to be. So now I find I have to fly back out again on Tuesday, which I am not looking forward to, in order to find us somewhere to live. We are moving out in three weeks and are getting very nervous. School starts here a week from Monday. Where is AJ going to school this year? We don’t know.
But packing is calming. It needs to be done and it gives you a feeling of accomplishment. It is also satisfying to get rid of things, which means we should be very, very satisfied at the end of this process, because we are getting rid of a lot of things.
I need a lot of calming. I am very distracted. I am not great at my job at the moment, because I can’t rid myself of this debilitating anxiety. I wrote a note to my boss today to fill her in on the details of our move. “I’m trying to keep on top of everything, but I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t affecting my work.” She wrote back saying she knows something like this is bound to affect me on many levels. “Please don’t burn yourself out and please know that we are all here to help cover what you can’t. It will be nice to have you hear full time.” And just like that, one worry was gone. Unfortunately, there are many more bustling through the door.
At least there are a couple of things to look forward to this weekend. One is dinner tomorrow with fairlywell and DJ and Baby H. Sunday afternoon is the culmination of AJ’s summer at School of Rock. His band is playing at a local tavern. They’ll be playing Neil Young’s “Rocking in the Free World” and Cream’s “Sunshine of Your Love,” with AJ playing the part of Clapton. We are nervous for him and are considering bringing cigarette lighters and shouting “Free Bird!” between songs.
The weather took a turn for the autumnal today and it’s hard to believe that we won’t be here. Fall has always been my favorite season here (or anywhere, for that matter, but it’s especially nice here). I am always bringing things home: shiny brown chestnuts, yellow and orange maple leaves, Osage oranges. I’m not sure I’ll be collecting the detritis of fall in New York. It’s one of the many things that is making me sad right now.
I wake up every morning at 3 a.m. with my heart racing and a feeling of dread. After lying awake for three hours, counting my way through any number of times tables, it seems a little less terrible. But it is still pretty terrible. Moving is terrible. Moving to less pleasant living conditions is extra terrible.
We are trying to remember the good things. We are healthy and together. We are going to be debt free. We are having an adventure. But we are not feeling very adventurous at the moment. We are starting to loose our nerve