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Peeling the onion

April 3, 2013

Unwinding the rope of a day playing extrovert:

The peculiar squealing pitch of the subway pulling into the station

The unexpected pleasure of walking east on 34th Street on a sunny morning while listening to The Beach Boys’ “Feel Flows”

The meeting that went well even though I had to do a lot of talking.

To drop in at the door of an old friend, only to find she has been crying. She laughs it off by pointing at the site on her computer screen, “This bribery training is so sad!” But I am thinking of it all day.

{Bribery training=Not How To. Just Don’t.}

The things I said while being interviewed on camera that afterwards seemed skin-crawlingly embarrassing and I can’t stop thinking of them.

Many awkward conversations replayed with excruciating slowness

The man who smells of cigarettes and onions

The sound of the sole of a shoe sliding on the subway floor.

The angle of the sunset glinting off the buildings outside the subway window as we go over the canal

The thought of the taxes I have not done

The thought of the taxes I still have not done

The fear I have of taxes

How I stayed longer at the office than strictly necessary accidentally on purpose, just long enough to miss a rehearsal on the other side of the park.

The way I insert myself into conversations where I’m not required. It’s not ego. It’s nerves

The way of saying thank you (to a compliment) that is a hair’s breadth from curling up into a catatonic ball

The way I can’t look at anyone after I leave the office for fear that if our eyes meet my skin will suddenly turn transparent and it will be far more embarrassing than nakedness.

To find a postcard from JOY in my mailbox and think it is fortuitous, even before I read it, even before I flip it over and see a picture of the sky over the sea.

The way it feels to walk into an empty house.

Leaving the lights off and walking in my stocking feet.

Missing and finding things.

quiet

(quiet)

((quiet))

(((.)))

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 4, 2013 6:30 am

    This is a very fine unwinding. I especially understand the part about talking because of nerves. And for a moment afterwards, do you blush? I do, although luckily it’s usually not noticeable to the other people.

  2. freshhell permalink
    April 4, 2013 5:51 pm

    Ooh, lovely.

  3. drgeek permalink
    April 5, 2013 5:13 pm

    The way I insert myself into conversations where I’m not required — in a small way, this was Easter Sunday with my in-laws for me. I wondered afterward if this contributed to the sometimes prickly relationship we have with them.

    Lately, Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys has been an excellent solemn meditation on days like this.

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