Things have gotten closer to the sun
For the last few weeks, two of my fellow toymakers and I have been sneaking out on our lunch hours (insofar as any of us ever takes a lunch hour) to play music together. It’s been a long time since I’ve played much and even longer since I’ve played much with others. It’s been fun, although I get nervous having to play where people can hear me. I feel more comfortable buried in an ensemble. It’s the curse of performing while introverted.
But today we played a mini concert at the Toy Factory and lots of people came, including Mr. Spy and AJ, who spent 90 minutes on the subway just to watch less than a half an hour of music. It was fun and easy because the people who work with us are so nice — our office manager gave me a big hug afterwards. And I thought, “this is not so bad.”
But then I remember that the curse of performing while introverted generally doesn’t fully kick in until after you leave the stage. Which is why, after coming home, I went and hid in my room. At times there are too many people and I need sensory deprivation to restore my equilibrium. Sometimes it’s hard to be a grownup. I like performing best when I can be invisible. One of the things I like playing at church is that I can be in the choir loft and by the time I get downstairs, the congregation has gone home.
Still, I think we might do it again. I’m not sure whether it’s stubbornness or maturity or stupidity that keeps us doing things that we’re not entirely sure we like to do.